College football Bottom 10 – Clemson joins, and a new No. 1
Inspirational thought of the week:
Oh yes
Life is bad
Gloom and misery everywhere
Stormy weather, stormy weather
And I can only pull myself together
Oh, I’m tired all the time
Time, so tired all the time
Stormy weather, stormy weather
— “Stormy Weather,” Etta James
Here at Bottom 10 Headquarters, located in a hidden room behind the cabinet where Marty Smith keeps all his cornhole prizes, we often spend November locking ourselves in the secret bunker for protection from the ugly conditions that roll into the final month of the season like a loose tree kneecaps Jim Cantore during a hurricane direct shot.
As we write this, the East Coast is monitoring Tropical Storm Nicole as it rolls through the homeland of the Hometown Lenders Bahamas Bowl with an eye toward dumping rain on the games being played everywhere from the home of the RoofClaim.com Boca Raton Bowl to the home of the Myrtle Beach Bowl.
Last weekend was full of bad conditions. Mother Nature tried her best to help Bottom 10 stalwart Northwestern keep up with hoity-toity top-10 resident Ohio State. Boreas Frostheart must be a Notre Dame season ticket holder because he blew Clemson passes around like boomerangs. Meanwhile, Elsa rehearsed for “Frozen 3” in Missoula, Montana.
Montana football ladies and gentlemen ❄️#GoGriz // #RTD pic.twitter.com/PJU25C1DPI
— Montana Griz Football (@MontanaGrizFB) 6 November 2022
Whether you’re soaked, frozen or winded, or your teeth are chattering and your knees are pounding from a combination of all of the above, just know that this is the price you have to pay to play college football in the deep fall. And if your team is on the list that follows, you already know this feeling of misery all too well. Heck, you’ve felt this way since the season started in August.
With apologies to Al Roker, Oklahoma running back/meteorologist Jaden Knowles, College Football Hall of Famer Jim Weatherall and Steve Harvey, here are the Week 10 bottom 10 rankings.
1. US(not C)F (1–8)
The Bulls lost to then-Bottom 10 member Temple by 26 points and then attached a nitrous bottle to their trip back to this top/bottom spot by firing head coach Jeff Scott. The bad news is that USF needs a new head coach. The good news? Well, there’s no good news in Tampa, Florida, but it’s in this week’s coveted fifth spot.
2. UMess (1–8)
The Minutemen lost to the artists formerly known as UCan’t in the Game Formerly known as the Bottom 10 New England Megabowl presented by Stop & Shop. While I know UMass fans have taken to wearing their Bottom 10 badge as proudly as they do their old Tom Brady jerseys, they’re probably bummed that their team lost that game and somehow fell out of the top -/at the bottom. But if they run the table over the final three weeks of the season, they won’t just reclaim that position, they’ll do it in a minute, man. The season ends with a visit from three-win Army, but that comes after a trip to three-win Texas A&M, and that comes after a trip to … a Pillow Fight of the Week opponent that will be revealed momentarily.
3. Akronmonious (1–8)
The good news is that Akron didn’t lose. The bad news is that it’s because it wasn’t playing.
4. Colora-duh (1-8)
The Buffs have entered the “How can we help your resume after the season?” part of their schedule. They spent last weekend losing to CFP hopeful Oregon 49-10 and making Bo Nix look like Bo Jackson. Now they travel to the LA Coliseum to lock fingers and give USC and QB Caleb Williams a statistical boost back into the national conversation.
5. Clemson
Tigers don’t like wind. Who knew? However, they like offense. Thus, the guy in orange seen standing outside Raymond James Stadium with a boombox playing Peaches & Herb’s “Reunited” while Jeff Scott packed up his office. When someone called out to the man, “Are you Dabo Swinney?” he yelled back, “Um … no … I’m Sabo Dwinney … uh, wait … no … Lloyd Dobler! I’m in the covered fifth place — give me dadgum slack!”
6. North by Northworstern (1-8)
How bad are the Wildcats? Even the computers feel sorry for them. Or maybe we’ve been hacked by a professor from their esteemed computer science department.
How bad is Northwestern? I did #Bottom10 research and just realized that even our algorithm felt so bad for them that it threw a W from another school into its team page out of pity. pic.twitter.com/j9MSmfN6p5
— Ryan McGee (@ESPNMcGee) 8 November 2022
7. Northern bad noise (2-7)
Northern Illinois faced another 2-6 team in Central Not Western Michigan and lost. Now it faces a 3-6 Western Not Central Michigan. Reminder that their two wins this season came against Eastern Not Western or Central Michigan in Week 7 and in the season opener against Eastern Not Western or Central or Southern Illinois. Compass confusion aside, this all feels like one big march across the map to get to the Pillow Fight of the Year of the Century in the Nov. 26 season finale against Akron.
8. Arkansas State (2-7)
But for that Pillow Fight of the Year of the Century of the Year, it will be this one, when the Fightin’ Butch Joneses of Arkansas State host UMass. According to the mysteriously accurate and magically delicious Ouija board that is the Football Power Index formula, the Red Wolves have a 92.7% chance of winning the game.
9. VT BC RIP Big East (2-7)
Kids, did you know that these big, massive, scary beasts once roamed the earth, trampling the land, devouring enemies and asserting their dominance wherever they went? Scientists call that time period BC, and they also believe that today’s smaller, weaker birds were born from the mighty animals once known as Hokies.
10. Charlotte 2-and-8ers (2-8)
The final spot in this week’s rankings was between a pair of green teams that have both occupied the top bottom spot at some point this season. Ultimately, the nod went to the Niners because they followed up their first win since Week 1 with a 59-7 loss to Western Kentucky at home. The Hillstoppers are the only common opponent Hawaii and Charlotte share, and the Warriors also hosted WKU but lost by a score of just 49-17, 10 points better than Charlotte. In related news, Western Kentucky has just been notified that it has been promoted to Chairman Preferred by the airline’s frequent flyer program.
Waiting list: Huh-why-yuh, Temple of Doom, No-vada, Colora-duh State, Whew Mexico No-bos, Whew Mexico State Other Aggies, Texas A&M Regular Old Aggies, Vanderbilt Commode Doors, the War on Grass and Goalposts.
